a long overdue update

It’s been a long time since I last posted here. In that time, I guess you could say I’ve been frantically trying to sort out deadlines, getting caught up in life once more, and scrambling to find a foothold, to put things back into some semblance of normalcy. In the past, whenever I felt overwhelmed by things, I made some stupid decision to cut back on everything and focus on the problem at hand. This led to friends and appointments being pushed to the side and a distinct lack of balance in my life.

My friends were concerned, and I knew some wished they could have talked me out of the downward spiral. But somehow, the right words never came along. Still, I see now the stupidity of the decisions I made then.

People ask why I’d throw Dentistry away to teach/write. You won’t get any argument from me that Dentistry offers plenty of flexibility in terms of career options. But I no longer am sure that Dentistry is the right choice for me. I highly doubt I could sit through what I did again, going through 11 hours of lectures and seeing patients for another 2 years. It’d take me back again into something I hate, and would I do something stupid? I don’t know.

When I was young, I dreamed of making a difference in the world and well, being a princess. Somehow I doubt the latter will happen unless I find a prince to abduct. But princes nowadays are spoilt anyway, I don’t want one. Making a difference in the world is a scary dream. Sometimes the best you can do is make a change in peoples’ lives around you, and inspire them. Hopefully they will inspire another person, who will inspire another person, and so the story goes. That is why I choose to teach, amongst any other job. Because as naff as it sounds, the next generation is our future. And as messed up as I am, I want to have this opportunity to make a difference in people’s lives.

Along the way, sometime in May, I met a frog (never mind that he thinks green isn’t his color). I kissed him (or maybe he kissed me. okay, he kissed me). And he turned into Prince Charming. The road hasn’t been easy, and long distance relationships blow. But unlike any of my previous relationships, I can’t help but trust him. I don’t worry when he’s away, I don’t give in to suspicious tendencies (though I’m not saying I don’t ever experience any jealous moments!). After kissing a series of toads, warty frogs, and a tadpole or two, I’ve found him. And this is so unexpected and so early, and it scares me. But when fate calls, sometimes all you can do is go along. Because sometimes when doors close, they never open anymore. I truly believe that finding someone who fits me so perfectly, who shows me through actions not words that he does love me, who challenges me to be a better person, who is steadfast and loyal, able to make me smile, feel warm and secure all at once – a person like that comes once in a lifetime. And he loves me, and this is it and this is now, and suddenly I want the rest of my life to begin, because I’ve found you.

And slowly but steadily, I’m building bricks under my dreams once more. Because now I know what I want, and this will be done my way. My life, my way. Some things I will compromise on. Some things I can’t. I can’t compromise on what I believe in. I can’t compromise the fact that Dentistry is not the right option for me and I can’t go back. I can’t compromise by being in a job I hate, or being in a loveless relationship. And sure, people may call me weak for being ruled by my heart but I know this – I will not lead a compromised life.

Epimenides Paradox

This post was intentionally left blank.

“The Rules”

http://www.therulesbook.com/topten.html

Welcome to TheRules, a set of 10 golden rules which apparently set you up to get married to THAT DREAM GUY. If you believe in the concept of ‘The One’, this rulebook is not for you.

Part of me is offended by the existance of these rules, part of me acknowledge them as a way of safeguard, but most of me refuses to believe in being someone I’m not in order to jumpstart a relationship.

In fact, the only rule I just about agree with is this one -
Rule 1 Being a creature unlike any other is really an attitude, a sense of confidence and radiance that permeates your being from head to toe. It’s the way you smile, pause in between sentences, listen, look, breathe, stand and walk. When a relationship doesn’t work out, you brush away a tear so that it doesn’t smudge your makeup and you move on!

But I also believe that’s in the way you carry yourself, and learn to love yourself that enables you to pull it off. You can stick a smile on your face and attempt to talk the talk but something will always ring false if it doesn’t feel right and if the guy is attentive he will notice it.

I remember once I was out with Spiff and Bryan, catching up even though I felt exhausted and not in the mood to go out. At the time I didn’t realize I was in a crappy mood, but as Bryan commented much later- “what’s with the grimace/SIA smile?” I could have gone on and played dumb, or treated him with the respect he deserved as a friend and told him the truth. Believe me, you don’t want to date a guy who (1) won’t notice, or even worse, (2) say ‘ok’ when you play dumb. Either way, just something to reflect upon!

And for the next post… which hopefully will be soon, I’ll hopefully have decided on some major things which have been bugging me about my future. So fingers crossed for that.

gracias

Thank you to the person with the nice smile who sits 2 chairs down during my biochemistry lab classes.
I still don’t know your name, but it was certainly nice of you to give me your copy of the Biochemistry Lab Exam script that they handed out in the last lecture I didn’t turn up to!
I hope you really do have an extra copy and you didn’t make that up. =P

two two

The birthday wishes have already started trickling in, surprisingly. I sort of thought after all the crap in the last year and a half people wouldn’t bother but… once more, my friends have astounded me. Love you all <3

I guess the first to thank would be Chelle, after all she did wish me happy birthday… a week ago The thought was appreciated though!

I got the dozen red roses and chocolates today, they were beautiful and made me melt inside. Thank you, I adore them (it is customary to include your name in the card though so I don’t accidentally mistake them as a birthday present from one of my other countless secret admirers).
P.S. You’re now my brother’s favorite person since he lurrrrrves Ferrero Rocher.

Thanks to Ais for offering to take me out as well, it was much appreciated babe. Though I don’t think you read here, but hey you never know.

To people like Ee May, Anne, Mike, Jake, Flik and co who remembered my birthday and texted/emailed/sent cards to wish me a happy birthday, thank you. It was a nice surprise to know you guys remembered.

To my special peeps – Love love love you guys too. Sorry I’ve been such a crappy friend, I promise I’ll do my best to stay in touch. You guys took my crap for 3 whole long years and through multiple camps as well in which I was grouchy and all that stuff It will be nice meeting you all this Wednesday again (: It kinda got to me, that we’d still be in contact after 7 years of me being away since we only knew each other for like 3 years prior to that. But I guess what Michelle said was true – your best friends list is like an honor roll. Even when you no longer talk daily, they still remain a part of your life, there whenever you need them.

Last but not least, thank you to Samantha for baking a cake (the pocky sticks and mango looked great and it was yummy!) And thanks to Stuart and Fareed for the enjoyable dinner as well as the Guitar Hero-ing session after (: It was really quite enjoyable including Fareed’s being told to “stop trying to order, just point” by the waitress. Though I don’t see why she got insulted by us slaughtering the Japanese language, it’s not as if she was Jap anyway. :p

the power of wishes

Ahahahah, the irony. So yeah I wrote yesterday that I wished I had the time to attend Baybeats 2009. To my astonishment, I found myself …. yes, at no other place but the Esplanade today (and no, it wasn’t even planned!).

So a couple of dentistry mates came over from Perth. It’s astounding to think that if I hadn’t fucked up or dragged my feet along, I would be here too with them, about to graduate this year. Oh well. Sometimes I wonder if I could just force myself through those final 3 years. But than again, this is a path I’ve chosen for better or worse, and I will stick to it with determination.

It was with much laughter that we all met up and chatted the night away. Girls vs Guys(+Marguerite) at bowling saw the win go to the guys (as was expected). I think they soundly trashed us, leading by 90 over points. I try not to keep track of how badly I get beaten so I’m not too sure. :p Dinner was a casual affair (Perthians <3 their hawker food apparently) and then we were off to find some booze (Perthians <3 their booze too apparently). So after some deliberation we decide on Harry's Bar along the esplanade (the reasoning was that we might hit Max Brenner’s Chocolate Bar which we didn’t even end up looking at, how disappointing. I live here and I’ve *never* been to Max Brenner’s. Gordon was shocked!).

So after a couple of beers (All hail Mancy who heard “1 for 1″ and still said 20 beers instead of 10), Gordon-2-beer-Cheung goes red and funnier than usual. Everyone’s clinking their glasses and toasting to the bartender wearing green instead of blue. We stand up (no falling down thank god) and make our way, hands across each others hips to the MRT station. Yes. That includes going up (and down) escalators. Crab walking. You ain’t seen nothing until you see a 5′2 asian female (that would be me) clutching a 5′9 male (that would be whoever was next to me) and a 5′5 female trying to walk sideways down an escalator and ending up half seated along the glass pane that makes up the side of an escalator.

(How dignified, huh?)

And that was our night.

(Except I think they went back to play Circle of Death. It would be amusing to see them tomorrow morning. Imagine, 11 people boozed up and surviving on 1 hours worth of sleep in the last 30 hours. Yes you get the picture. Oh yes, pictures!) —->

what you give

When I was young, I wanted to make a difference in the world. Nowadays, I’m a harried 21 year old – going on 22 that realizes that life is chaotic and random in nature and we barely have any grip of our own personal lives let alone others. I also realize that you can’t stop walking. Life keeps going and time is slipping away. To not make use of it is opportunity lost, and I will never ever have that time again. So yes, I’ve been throwing myself into things. Partly to get my mind off you.

But if not for you, I think that I would have still been stuck in my comfortable rut, comfortable to exist but not to live. And for that, you changed my life and I’m glad. I guess with your ambitions and becoming acquainted with the spirited and go-getting young woman who is now my boss, I’ve been inspired.

I picked up a copy of the iS Magazine today and for once it really called out to me. It’s a community magazine which I’ve always flipped through till now. For some reason, I’m inspired to develop myself in the creative/arts area. Looking at the advertisements and community ads, I kinda wished I had the time to attend Baybeats -_- I also think that a dream would be to perform in front of an audience. I mean I did the whole choir thing before, and I’ve acted for large groups as well in CHIJMES and such. I kinda miss that I guess. I was thinking of attending vocal classes, and after that – looking for a band! And performing! Or maybe an acapella group, like Fanella’s. That would be so awesome.

I’ve also picked a Charity to volunteer with. I bet you’re there, gasping and thinking “what?!” But yeah, I think that (1) It’ll develop me spiritually (2) It’ll affirm my belief and faith (3) It truly is something I feel in touch with and support. I sent an email to Make A Wish, Singapore which aims to make the wishes of children suffering from debilitating or life-threatening illnesses come true. I think that dreams are important, knowing what you want in life and what inspires you to keep on going. As such, I think that nurturing dreams in others is just as important and this is something I truly believe in so I sent them an email, and let’s keep our fingers crossed!

Hmmm. I guess, what I’m saying is that I’ve finally gotten out of this rut and I’m glad to start returning to the living. Thanks to all those friends that have truly gone out of the way to keep in touch, to drop me messages to let me know they care, and people that have stuck by me. I may be careless, but I never forget.

it’s a love story, baby just say yes

Hello, my name is Clare. And I’m a doofus when it comes to love. You know, I like to think I’m a fairly decent catch. I’m intellectual (read, intellectual not necessarily means intelligent :p), I think quickly, I actually enjoy math. I’m fairly savvy when it comes to making small talk, and I like getting to know people. I don’t dig my nose in public, I don’t snort, I don’t have a whiny voice that grinds on people’s nerves. I may be a little bit of a nerd but hey everyone has their quirks right? And I may not be the prettiest girl around but I get by fine.

When it comes to people of the opposite gender though, I’m a hopeless mess. I’m fine when its all friendly, I flirt fine, banter is okay. But having fallen out of dating proper since god, 5 years ago, seriously, I’m totally clueless when it comes to dating. I totally started off wrongfooted and fell too deep too fast. And yeah, guilty as claimed – I bought into the Disney version of love. Oh my god you mean he isn’t going to sweep me off my feet now and be this flawless prince charming? Bless the soul of the poor guy who is here that isn’t exactly working the way I want him to, and being considerate, caring, giving and loving from the very first glance at day one.

And then, like all other things, I was going to just… throw it away. And forget about you, put you in a little box I keep in my attic, something where I keep all my blue and brown things, coated in a layer of dust. Put your photo in a little place of my mind where I hide all other things that keep me down.

Then I’m not sure what happened, but I see a little light burning bright again. It’s like seeing a little spark of Hope after Pandora’s Box was opened. Who knows what may come at the end of the day when we’re together again? For now I won’t put much store in anything. It’s all Chaos Theory at the moment, where just one grain of sand can affect the outcome. I won’t wait for you, I won’t put my life aside for you. But I will keep loving you because I can and I choose to do so.

Hmmm. This is probably the wrong way to go about it according to like all the stuff I’ve read *shrugs*. But well.

paradise lost

The night was cool, and the lights dazzling. The surroundings were swanky, with ambient music playing in the background. In Dempsey House on Dempsey Hill, three friends convened over dinner – Jon, Wei Kuan and I. We talked, we laughed, we ate (and overate). We stuffed ourselves on fries fried with truffle oil. We pored over thin crust pizzas with tuna, avocados and wild mushrooms on them. Finally, a hunger satiated, we went for ice cream and satisfied the camwhores in all of us.

P.S. Happy birthday in advance Jon & all the best for the next 3 months in Ireland!

soar

I’ve danced, I’ve sung, I’ve smiled. I’ve pushed, I’ve prodded, I’ve nudged. I’ve loved, I’ve adored, I’ve tolerated. I’ve made excuses, I’ve cried, I’ve hurt. Now maybe it’s time to do the one thing I haven’t done.

Maybe, now, it’s time to let go.